I was feeling some writer’s block, so I decided to time myself for 10 minutes and to keep writing without stopping and without filtering. No organizing, no thesis statement, no planned quotes or pictures. Just writing. This is what I came up with:
There are times when my thoughts are organized, and there are times when my entire world doesn’t make any sense. This time is part of the latter.
Why I would choose to share it on my blog is beyond me. The thoughts that are likely to come out of an unplanned effort should be a combination of deep, vulnerable, insightful, and shitty. My fear is always that my writing is mostly shitty.
But still, this exercise is useful because, if for no other reason, it forces me to get my shit out there. I don’t publish as often as I write (which is almost daily) because I’m usually afraid that the finished product isn’t good enough. But if we always waited until things were good enough to publish, we’d never finish anything.
When I think about all the jobs I’ve had, all the girls I’ve ever dated — it has always been a result of some type of cluster-fuck attempt at being smooth. One time I stalked someone on Facebook that I hadn’t seen in years. Weird, yes. But it led to a relationship. One time, I put a suit on and walked into a lawyer’s office and started answering his phone when he wasn’t there. That landed me a job that I kept for about a year. The first time I prayed for someone’s physical healing, I stuttered, I stammered, and I didn’t see a healing. The person I prayed for gave me a pity thanks (at least that’s how I perceived it). But two weeks later, she told me she was completely healed.
And so it is with writing. Other than noticing that I cuss an unusual amount when I write freely, there’s something about just letting things go unfiltered that gets my thoughts going.
It’s been particularly difficult to think and write lately because my mind is so jumbled with different things to focus on. I spent the day playing video games, eating old pizza and cheesecake, sitting on my ass, reading a little bit, watching YouTube.
I think it’s difficult because I don’t have a single goal. I am deepening my philosophy. I recently read War and Peace. I also finished The Iliad, The Odyssey, and The Aeneid in the past month. I’m currently reading The Brother’s Karamazov. While reading these books is enjoyable and enriching, I must say my purpose seems kinda jumbled. Why did I read these books other than that they are classics that promise the reader said enrichment? What is it I intend to do with the stuff I read?
Looking back, did I retain the information I gleaned from those books? Yes, but not good enough is my answer.
So to answer the question of why — why do I read these books? I guess I was just sick of not knowing enough about life. I’m 29 years old, am having a hell of a time figuring out what to do with my life, and I realized one day when I was reading the newspaper that I don’t have the foggiest idea what most of the sections were talking about. Almost nobody I know in my age group pays attention to politics, to finance, to world events. [My 10 minutes is up, but there’s a couple thoughts I want to finish].
I have this foggy idea that the world needs reform — and honestly I don’t think it’s my idea. I think it’s God’s idea, and I’m running with it. The education system needs to be fixed. The political atmosphere needs moral reform. Healthcare needs reform. The economy needs reform. Everything needs fixing. And today’s generation needs to step up and fix it. How can we fix things if we’re completely clueless about major issues that plague us, of major issues that have plagued us throughout the course of history? And so, I read.
Deep down, I’m just hungry. I just need to know. I can’t deal with being one of the many that sit around and watch life happen. I need to be involved. I need to be aware. I need to step in and do everything in my power to make things better.
How am I going to do this? Well, honestly I don’t know. I fall back on God’s Word: Seek and ye shall find.
I’m going to search out every “great” book I can get my hands on. I’m going to ask hard questions. I’m going to seek out the world-changers alive today and I will consult the biographies of those who have passed.
And for weird days like today where I feel shitty and have no focus, I’m going to take a chill pill and write random shit on my blog and hope that’s it’s valuable for somebody.