Searching for the one.

It seems like almost everywhere I turn there are two types of people: those that are seemingly happily married with or without kids, and those that are yearning and longing for their Mr. or Ms. Right to show up and fix everything. This post is about the latter.

It seems like most people I know that don’t have romance in their life, regardless of age, are willing to put their entire lives on hold in order to satisfy that one area. More than that, they are willing to trade everything they have in order to fill that void. Everyone knows it’s the wrong thing to do, but most people have attempted it — myself included.

Most people believe love is supposed to look like this:

As much as I want this scene from one of my favorite movies to be true, in my own experience, this is never how it works.

Actually, I think this is more accurate:

A post shared by Ryan Geluz (@ryangeluz) on

At one point in my life, I managed to hit rock bottom by trading my time, money, many relationships, and personal values in order to satisfy my own desire for love and romance (no, I’m not going to share my story here). Here’s a clue: it didn’t work out very well.

More out of desperation than coming to my senses, I turned to God and was led into the craziest adventure of my life in discovering who He is. But that didn’t make my desire for romance go away.

For good reason, I decided to do the exact opposite: put dating on hold for an indefinite amount of time. Every time I ran into someone who shared a mutual romantic attraction (which oddly enough, happened a lot more frequently when I wasn’t looking for it), my default answer was the same: “I’m really attracted to you, but I don’t date. Sorry.”

It probably sounded like some kind of cop out.

I have to live with the possibility that I may have made a mistake and turned away someone I could have been really happy with. Maybe, but I doubt God would let that happen. (In case you are wondering, I believe God is starting to open that door again for me, but it will be for the right reasons this time.)

Instead I realized that I didn’t just want anyone to fill that void. I wanted my match. The one that I’ve prayed about for years. The one who God set apart just for me. The one who will like all my quirks, think all of my jokes are funny, who will feel lucky that I’ve stumbled across her path, or vice versa.

When you really think about dating, it’s extremely selfish not to go for your perfect match. It means that you are settling for someone that isn’t the best you can do, that you didn’t wait for them and instead thrust them into your life, that their main purpose in your existence is to fill a void that only God can fill.

It’s even worse if you decide that you are comfortable enough with them that you will stay with them and waste.. ahem.. I mean *spend* several years with someone you are never meant to be with. Spiritually, I can’t think of a bigger snare to derail you from your highest calling.

Our focus needs to change. We shouldn’t be dedicating all of our time to being emotionally or sexually desirable to find a “good enough” mate. Nor should we buy the trap of finding someone whose only ambition is to be attractive enough to fill the void.

We need to pursue the highest possible good for ourselves and all of the people that cross our path. We call that agape love.

So for all you silicone, stick-figure, Barbie doll hopefuls there.. maybe it’s time to rethink your life’s ambition.


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